No matter how you look at it, approach it, discuss it, or even think about discussing it, breast feeding is a loaded subject. You're judged by others for doing it and you're judged for not. There have been periods where it was considered the only way to feed your baby, followed by bottle feeding being the dominant method and now it's anyone's guess. I have friends who knew they didn't want to breastfeed and those that couldn't, I myself was adamant that I was going to breastfeed my baby. I had read hundreds of articles on how to ensure breastfeeding success (and I believe that a large part of my success in breastfeeding was down to my hell bent determination).
I had times when I questioned why it was so important to me, was it purely because I knew (thought) that 'breast is best', or was it this huge overhanging societal pressure that we face as mothers to provide everything for not just our babies but our whole families as naturally as possible??!! Looking drop dead scrummy mummy while we do it (because it's totes simple to let alone shower with a newborn)!! For whatever reason when Florence came out of me I was fully prepared to go to whatever lengths I had to to feed her exclusively. She had her first feed 10 minutes after coming out, and every 10 minutes there after till she was 6 months pretty much! I immediately fell in love with that skin to skin bond and the closeness of feeding my baby, it was natural and primal and at that very first feed I knew it was for me. The rest of that first night however, I was questioning the beauty of the whole thing entirely! For those of you who are preparing to breastfeed or have breastfed I'm sure you've seen the nurses and midwives doing the whole duck hand latch thing with their hands on how to get the best latch so feeding never hurts, they even bring in breastfeeding 'ambassadors' who are perfectly lovely and their to offer support, but the whole schpeel about it 'never causing pain' - nonsense!! I delivered in the early evening at 18:11, so by the time I was washed down, stitched up and given my biscuit it was closing in on 9pm and I was going up to the ward on my own as visiting was over. Baring in mind as a first time mum you have no clue what is going on, every time Florence cried I was throwing her on, because I wanted breastfeeding to be a success and also because I didn't want to wake the other babies on the ward. That night was when the damage was done!! The ward was roasting, it was mid May and about 25 degrees and there was a heat lamp in the room as one of the babies was premature. I was hugely swollen and disgracefully sweaty and trying to properly hold Florence and latch her on was wild. Instead of persevering and taking her off if the latch was wrong I just left her to it dangling from the tip. I have never experienced anything like it, I was raw, bleeding and terrified. I was biting my lip every time I put her on as it was just pain on top of pain. Luckily I was released the next day as I truly believe I wouldn't have had the success I had if I had stayed in hospital. As if trying to figure out how to care for your new baby let alone feed your baby when you're a first time mother isn't hard enough. Some midwives are vert helpful but some truly are not. And I have now been told that they are not even recommending lanolin anymore, they have to train you in the correct latch. It sometimes feels as if they make it as hard as they can, is this meant to spur us on to try for the perfect latch because it only makes the whole thing harder. At home, I would wait for the right latch and take her off if need be, once I figured it out, taking a baby off is not as simple as you would think! But that didn't stop the nipple cross examinations and the judgement from some midwives till I got it right. I think they really need to give some of us a break. I get that it's meant to be in our best interest so we're not bleeding into the milk supply for the entirety of our breast feeding journey, but throwing out some encouraging words or passing the lanolin really shouldn't be doing much harm. It still took about a week to ten days for me to put her on just right. I firmly believe that newborns don't have a big enough mouth to cover your whole nipple anyway! Then a subsequent 2 weeks for the pain (and bleeding) to properly subside. Now, after this it is not pain free, for many months after as soon as your let down (when the milk starts coming out) kicks in, it does sting. For me, when Florence fed from one side the other side would leak and sting. But after the first time your baby goes more than that 2 hour window without a feed and your boobs almost pop, nipples flying out like darts, that sting is the sweetest relief!! Some fabulous side effects are your pert new boobies. Ok, so they leak, they're permanently sore, they're lumpy, and you are forever smuggling brazils, the boob swell can be so extreme that your nipples are in completely different orientations, they're as vascular as a body builder, they smell of old milk, your bras are as far removed from flattering never mind sexy that is physically possible, you may even have a cabbage leaf in there comfort (as if the smell of milk wasn't bad enough) and you can occasionally get serious boob sweats. But overlooking all these things, about 1 hour after a feed you've got a great pair! I could go on and on, but I think I might do a separate post on pros and cons since I've already wittered on for pages! After all of the highs and lows it's still the greatest thing I've experienced. Watching a contempt milk drowsy (boob or bottle it doesn't matter, despite what the critics say)baby suckle away till they fall asleep is the most beautiful, peaceful and pure bonding experience for a parent. I've always wanted to be a mum and breast feeding was important to me. It may not be everyone's desire and others may think less of me that this was so important or that it tops getting a degree or masters but everyone is different and those judgmental trolls can just walk straight out of the door out of my life. I may have skipped showering for days, or gone out in clothes covered in spit up and boob leak, but my baby was healthy and happy and that was my priority. Whatever your priorities as a mother, feeding or anything else for that matter, focus in on that with laser accuracy, Don't let anyone tell you what you should do or how to be, your journey is fraught with self doubt and judgement so start ignoring the comments early on and thicken that skin for the school gate years and competitive mother syndrome (try as you might it will sneak up on you). Hopefully soon we'll all realise that we are each doing our best and maybe we should throw each other some positive encouragement rather than judging each others decisions. Sending all my love to the hard working mothers out there, you're doing a great job. Lots of love, Katie xxx
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AuthorKatie Pugh - Wife, Mother, Product Manager, Aspiring Chef, Overachiever ArchivesCategories |